Follow me on Twitter by Degenerate Kid, the most degenerate kid of them all.
“Follow Me Back” by Alvin Louis aka Degenerate Kid.
DISCLAIMER: Stuff written by this writer should not be read, ever.
If you ever asked somebody to follow you on Twitter, you might want to stop reading
as you might get offended by what this writer has to say (but if you stop reading
the rest of this article, you’ll never know the secret of how to get followed by
“Asking a celebrity to follow you on Twitter isn’t like begging a girl to have sex
with you, but it’s close.”
I started tweeting mid-December of 2009. It has been 7 months and I already have
2,342 tweets. That’s an average of about 11 tweets daily. If I spent a minute on
every tweet, then I’ve already spent 2,342 minutes on Twitter. To make you realize
the seriousness of my 2,343 minutes spent on Twitter, know that LeBron James played
2,966 regular season minutes for Cleveland before he starred in “The Decision”.
We already know how cool Twitter is. How it connects people like Nokia. How we get
updated through Twitter. Some people even get their news exclusively from Twitter.
Let’s not get into that. Let’s talk about Twitter followers.
I have this distant gay relative who’s also a Facebook friend of mine. He’s an ass.
He annoys me by constantly updating his Facebook status, bragging about being
followed by Miriam Quiambao. Big deal, right? Not. But who knows? Maybe for him,
being followed by a celebrity like Miriam Quiambao is the equivalent of being
gang-banged by U-Kiss. We’ll never know his reasons.
So what does it mean to have followers on Twitter? What does it mean to be followed
by a celebrity?
For celebrities and public figures, your number of followers is testament to how
cool you are and how broad your fan base is. If you’re Ashton Kutcher, it means that
your wife is hot and millions of people appreciate your awesomeness. If you’re Paris
Hilton, it gives you an idea of how many people with internet access are within your
range IQ-wise (researchers say 99% of her straight male followers liked “One Night
in Paris” which I think is either a Western or a movie shot in France). If you’re
Justin Bieber, it gives you an idea of how many teen-aged girls and confused young
men listen to your music.
For the common man, you have to be really awesome to at least have 1,000 followers.
Enter any chatroom, go to Ustream, tweet Justin Bieber, and I’m certain that some
people will ask you to follow them. It’s amazes me – not that I have anything
against it. This reminds me of the time when few people had SMS-capable cellphones,
when people would ask for somebody’s number just so they can have somebody to text
with. Ten years ago, if you had a cellphone with less than 10 people in its
phonebook, you’re not cool and you live near Loserville (you live in Loserville if
the only number you have is your mom’s, and we were probably neighbors).
X-deals. Tit for tat (Haha! I said tit.). Squids pro Hayden Kho, or something. I
scratch your back, you lick my balls (or something). Some people do this on Twitter:
I follow you, you follow me back. This blows my mind. If you follow a friend and
said friend follows you back, I think it’s cool – like exchanging numbers with a
friend – it’s cool because you can catch up with each other now.
But to follow somebody, a stranger, who for all you know tweets in Jejemon, for the
sake of being followed back? You should only do it if you’re on Twitter to make new
It’s true that having many followers is an ego booster. It adds inches to your penis
if you’re a guy like a sports car would. It adds inches to your bust/butt size if
you’re a girl like being in business with Belo would. To some, like my superficial,
retarded distant relative of a gay Facebook friend, you become more awesome if a
celebrity or two follows you. But it’s all superficial – don’t get too obsessed with
it. It’s not true that you’ll grow angel wings once you hit 10 million followers.
“Never tweet someone (especially celebrities) to follow you back” should and must be
a Twitter etiquette. Here are some possible consequences if you tweet someone to
follow you back:
1. You will come across as desperate and/or pathetic and you will be ignored (in
some cases, you might actually get blocked). No further explanation needed.
2. You will be followed, but only because she is kind and you kinda emotionally
blackmailed her. This is like pity sex – she feels sorry for herself afterwards
because now she has to follow everybody else who asks or tweets her e.g. Miriam
Quiambao who currently has 49,662 followers but is following 36,084 people. Justin
Bieber and Lady Gaga too! I can only imagine what their respective timelines must be
3. He or she will mess with you. This is extreme and rarely happens. Imagine being
followed, then unfollowed 5 minutes later, and getting a tweet or DM that says
“Sucker! Haha! You’re pathetic!”
Tweet for fun! Appreciate your followers and follow them back if you want to, but
never follow someone unless you do it wholeheartedly. And once again, don’t ask the
people you follow to follow you back because while it’s not like asking a girl to
have sex with you, it’s close.
As bonus for reading my first article, I’ll share with you a secret: How to be
followed by porn stars. Three pornstars followed me back. The secret? I told them
that it’s my birthday soon and asked them to follow me. It’s not really pathetic
when you ask porn stars to follow you. Or Lady Gaga. Or Justin Bieber.
Follow me on Twitter because I’m not meant to be followed. @Alvin_Louis